Gentle Readers,

I love reading advice columns. I don't know what it is about them that gets me, the satisfaction of knowing that other people are so dense they can't figure out if they should stop winking at their naked neighbor, or the fun of yelling at the Sunday paper, "No, Carolyn Hax, some feelings aren't OK to have!" (If you're an advice column junkie like me, you'd get it.)

Every column has a different vibe. Abby writes to the masses, covering topics from disrespectful grandkids to the importance of thanking our veterans to cheating spouses to getting out kidneys checked out during National Kidney Month. Carolyn is more self-helpy, very into discovering the reason you've been willing to put up with your mother-in-law mopping your floor when she comes over, not just telling you to hide the mop. There's a chick named Amy in the Chicago Trib. who usually prints way too much of the letter, which always makes it sound sad and rambling.

Prudence on slate.com is my favorite, she's witty and snarky and the questions are sometimes genuinely difficult issues. Not without faults, though, she's definitely got a pro-monogomy streak which sometimes comes off as slut-shaming. I used to read Dan Savage, but the shock factor is just irritating at this point, plus I have a vagina so he probably hates me. And of course there's good ole Miss Manners. I kind of consider her in a separate class, because she's just advising on rules of etiquette, most of which are already established.

So you can imagine my delight when I discovered the same letter printed by two different columnists. It's interesting to see how the letter is edited slightly differently, I definitely think it subtly affects the tone of the response. What does it say about the pre-conceived notions of the advisor? I think columnist #1 is predisposed to hating men. I mean, if you're putting quotation marks around things, you're being sarcastic. And version #2 specifically mentions that the writer knows the boyfriend isn't cheating. That's kinda an important part of the question, don't you think?

The great part is that the answers are very different. Who do you think is right? Columnist #2's was printed a while ago, and I remember reading it and agreeing, but now that I see answer #1, I'm wavering. Based on my descriptions above, can you tell who wrote which answer?


Advice Columnist #1: My boyfriend, "Beau," and I moved in together and already we have trust issues. He doesn't trust me around his computer. He said he has things on it that are part of his past, and it's none of my business.

One of the things he doesn't want me to see is "The List." He keeps a list of all the girls he has slept with - including one-night stands. I have asked Beau how many there have been, but he doesn't want to tell me "because it will hurt me." He has revealed that it's a number between 10 and 50.

I have asked him to delete the list, but he said that if he gets a weird disease in the future, he can always refer back to it. I have nightmares about this.

Should I drop the matter? - Unlisted Number in Texas

DEAR UNLISTED: No, honey. You should drop him.

If Beau was simply afraid you would see how many women he has slept with and was trying to protect your feelings, he would print out the list and stash it in a safety deposit box.

What he's afraid of is that you'll see the list is growing.

I don't blame you for having nightmares. A man who is seriously worried that he'll get a weird disease in the future is exposing himself and you to them now.

So pack your bags, get out of there and schedule an appointment with your gynecologist ASAP.

Advice Columnist #2: My boyfriend and I recently moved in together. One day we had a fight about the fact that he doesn't trust me around his computer because he has things on it that are part of his past that he doesn't want me to see. One of those things is "the List" of all the girls he has slept with, including one-night stands. I have asked him the number of people he's had sex with (he knows mine is two), but he tells me that I don't want to know and gives me a number between 10 and 50. I have asked him to delete that list, but he says he won't because if he gets a weird disease in the future and has to tell everyone he's slept with, he won't remember all of them without the list. He claims I don't have anything to be worried about and that everybody has a past, but he doesn't want to hurt me, and it's best that I not know some things—just as he doesn't want to know some things about my past. Am I being too concerned about a stupid list? I know he is not cheating on me, but should I know his number?

—Concerned

Dear Concerned,
The magic number is … 37! There, do you feel better? No, I bet you don't. You actually know as much as you need to right now, and that is that your boyfriend has had tons more sexual encounters than you. You say that despite his hound-dog history, you are confident in his fidelity, so you don't have the obvious concern that "the List" is more than just an archive. That being the case, he doesn't need to invent some puritanical disease of the future that retroactively infects one's former lovers in order to justify keeping an electronic equivalent of notches on his bedpost. If you are to have a solid relationship, you both should agree that you each are entitled to privacy and a past, and that you promise not to intrude on his personal files. But given that your boyfriend has probably had sexual encounters with dozens of people, including a number of one-night stands, you need to be concerned about diseases he's already contracted. I hope he's had a complete STD screen so that you can be confident that your reformed Casanova isn't jeopardizing your health and fertility.